Home Forums General Discussion Lord of the Rings spoof

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    • #3364

      nooptical, you’ll like this….takes time to read though.
      oh and due to spaming I’ll only post the first Chapter, there are 32 pages of text in all, so if people like it i’ll post a little every few days, pending what the Administrators think.

      The Lord of the Rings

      Lord Of The Rings – Secret Diaries – The bits you didn’t hear about!!THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1Day One:Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.Still not King.Day Four:Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.Not King yet.Day Six:Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.Yes!Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.Still not King.Day Ten:Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria.Big Baelrog.Not King today either.Day Eleven:Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.Legolas may be hotter than me.I wonder if he would like me if I was King?Day 28:Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.Still not King.Day 30:In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me.Saucy wench.Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.Took a shower. Yay!But still not King.Day 32:Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.I think Legolas might be kinda gay.Nope, not King.Day 33:Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.Not so sure about Gimli either.RIP Boromir.Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.Day 34:Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.Why?My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?Not so sure about me either.Still not King, goddammit.THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2Day OneRan forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.Stubble update: satisfactory.Day TwoRan into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn’t be giving me this attitude if I were King.Day ThreeOnce you’ve seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you’ve seen ’em all. That’s all I’m sayin.’Day FourRan into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he’ll be charging for pointy hat trick.Day SixIn Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, “Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I’m lookin’ around and I don’t see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?”Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.Day SevenSuspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.Day NineFell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.Stubble update: wet.Day TwelveTriumphant return to Helm’s Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been “You’re late” or could have been “Throw me down and shag me rotten.” Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.Still not King but too busy keeping up men’s morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.Day FourteenStanding on battlements of Helm’s Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.Day Fourteen, LaterElves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, “It’s unbelievable!” about elf army. Was forced to agree –it is unbelievable that Haldir’s eyebrows do not match his weave.Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.Day FifteenUnexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm’s Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:Dear Aragorn,Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.Still not King.

    • #13767

      Long post and no punctuation makes Nooptical go crazy……

      Seriously though….thats good stuff. ;)

    • #13771

      Don’t mena to be pedantic, but isn’t this like….6 months old?

    • #13772

      I can watch a 40 year old film and still find it entertaining……..

    • #13775

      Hmmmm, maybe so.. well I won’t post anymore so, sorry.

    • #13778



    • #13782

      Long post ahoy – I like this one:

      [At Bilbo’s 111th Birthday]
      Merry: “Omg, I pwn”
      Pippin: “Sif, I pwn”
      **Rocket goes off
      Gandalf: “Pwned!”

      Bilbo: “This = shiz, bai foos”
      Bilbo has left the server
      Frodo: “***!?”

      [later, in Bag End]
      Gandalf: “Give teh ringz0r to Frodo”
      Bilbo: “Sif! It r precious!”
      Gandalf: “STFU NOOB!!!”
      Bilbo: “ok”
      Gandalf has logged on as admin
      Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire

      Gandalf: “Show me teh ring, foo!”
      **Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
      Gandalf: “OMGZ, it R teh ring!”
      Frodo: “***?”
      Gandalf has logged on as admin
      Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
      Sam has been kicked from The Shire

      [At Isengard]
      Gandalf: “sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!”
      Saruman: “Foo! U R teh noob!”
      Gandalf: “***?!”
      Saruman: “Sauron pwns joo!”
      Gandalf: “Sif, I R leet”
      **Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf
      Saruman: “Pwned!”

      [on the road to Bree]
      Merry: “look foos, shrooms!”
      Pippin: “Woot! Shrooms!”
      Frodo: “Ph34r!”
      Sam: “Shrooms!”
      Frodo: “PH34R!1!1”
      **black rider stops, sniffs, goes past
      Frodo: “OMG, packetloss!”

      **Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips
      Frodo has left the server
      Frodo has connected to the server
      Frodo: “OMGz, dc’d”
      Aragorn: “OMG, noobz”

      [at Weathertop]
      Merry: “Mmm, shrooms!”
      Frodo: “Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz”

      **the black riders attack
      Merry: “OMG!!!”
      Sam: “O.M.G!!!11”
      Pippin: “***”
      Frodo has left the server
      **head nazgul stabs Frodo’s ghost
      Frodo has connected to the server
      Frodo: “***… hax!”
      **Aragorn lraps into the fray with a flaming brand
      Aragorn: “PH34r!!!!!!”
      Merry: “LOLOL flamed! ”

      [on the road to Rivendell]
      Aragorn: “ZOMG!Arwen!”
      **Arwen rides up
      Aragorn: “A/S/L? Wanna net secks?”
      Arwen: “Sif! *** is up with Frodo?”
      Sam: “teh leet Hax0r ”
      Arwen: “Firewall?”

      **Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses the ford at Rivendell.
      Arwen: “PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!”
      **nazgul start to cross
      Arwen: “LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!”
      **the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away
      Warning: Connection Problems Detected
      nazgul has disconnected
      nazgul has disconnected
      nazgul has disconnected
      nazgul has disconnected
      nazgul has disconnected
      nazgul has disconnected
      nazgul has disconnected
      Arwen: “Pwnt”

      [at the Council of Elrond]
      Gimli: “dwarves pwn!”
      Legolas: “Sif, Elves pwn!”
      Boromir: “OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!”
      Elrond: “STFU tards!!1!”
      **Frodo puts the ring on the plinth
      Gimili: “Sif ring pwns all!”
      **Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters
      Elrond: “**sigh, noob”

      [Frodo meets up with Bilbo]
      Bilbo: “OLOL, me = 10th level thief!”
      Frodo: “OMG, u r teh pwn!”
      Bilbo: “Do u still have teh ringz0r?”
      **Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring
      Bilbo: “OMG u tard, I want to TK you!”
      Frodo: “sif!”
      Bilbo: “ph34r my mithril”

      [The Fellowship leaves Rivendell]
      **Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains
      Legolas: “ZOMG, leet gfx!”
      Gimli: “I R dropping frames! FFS”
      **There’s an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf
      Gimli: “Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1”
      Gandalf: “**Sigh. Moria?”
      Gimli votes to change map to Moria
      Votes 4 of 4 required
      Legolas: “lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!”

      [The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria]
      Gandalf: “FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?”
      **The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks!
      Frodo: “OMG! ph34r!”
      Boromir: “GL HF”
      Legolas [arrow] guardian
      Gandalf: “gg”

      [The fellowship enters the mines of Moria]
      Gimli: “OMG!!!! PWNED!”

      **After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a chamber with a large well
      Gandalf: “teh bookz0r has some clues!”
      **Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well
      Gandalf: “OMG! noob!”
      Merry: “d’oh”
      **The fellowship hears the ork drums
      Boromir: “***?”
      Aragorn: “***?”
      Frodo: “…”
      Gandalf: “Oh ffs >.<”
      **the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orks come
      Boromir: “TEAMS FFS!”
      Gimli [axe] ork
      Legolas [arrow] ork
      Gimli [axe] ork
      Gimli [axe] ork
      ork: “OMG! h4x!”
      Gimli: “pwned”!
      Legolas [arrow] ork
      Legolas [arrow] ork
      Legolas: “lol!!”
      Gimli [axe] ork
      Gimli: “Foos!” Legolas [arrow] ork
      ork: “ffs, wallhax!”
      **The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors
      Gandalf: “Oh ffs!”
      Boromir: “Omg, its teh boss!”
      Aragorn: “Sif noob, we’re not at teh end yet!”
      **Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then skewers Frodo
      Sam: “OMG!”
      Gandalf: “OMG!”
      Aragorn: “omg, pwn!”
      **Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head
      Legolas [arrow] cavetroll
      Ork: “OMG! PWNED!”
      Gimli: “LOLOOLOL! noobs”
      **The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of orks
      Boromir: “FFS! Teams, foos!”
      **A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orks withdraw
      Aragorn: “Now THIS is teh boss!”
      Gandalf: “OMG!”
      **The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to crumble and fall. Orks shoot at them with arrows.
      Legolas: “LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!”
      Legolas [arrow] ork
      Legolas [arrow] ork
      ork: “AIMBOT!”
      ork: “turn it off!”
      Legolas: “lolol!”
      **The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the balrog
      Gandalf: “joo shall not pass!”
      Balrog: “***?”
      Gandalf: “JOO SHALL NOT PASS!”
      Balrog: “Sif, noob”
      **Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing it to break under the Balrog’s weight
      Balrog: “ZOMG! PWNED!”
      Frodo: “OMG! Gandalf!”
      **The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its whip, entangling Gandalf
      Gandalf: “D’oh”
      Frodo: “OMG, joo foo!”
      Gandalf: “fly u foos, fly!”
      **Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass
      Gandalf has left the server
      Balrog has disconnected

      [After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien]
      **The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel
      Galadriel: “For a noob, u r teh leet!”
      Frodo: “Sif. I don’t want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?”
      Galadriel: “******! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my own!1”

      [The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river]
      Saurman: “ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and pwnz0r them!”
      uruk hai: “leet!”

      [stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp]
      **Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts him
      Boromir: “Gimmie teh ringz0r so ** hax can fight teh boss!”
      Frodo: “Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!”
      Boromir: “Naw, we play on non-pb servers”
      Frodo: “STFU noob”
      Frodo has left the server
      Boromir: “***! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!”

      **A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir
      Boromir: “OH FFS, TEAMS!!”
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
      Boromir: “****ing campers”
      **Aragorn comes across the battle
      Aragorn: “Boromir joo noob! ***!”
      Uruk Hai: “Hah, pwn!”
      Uruk Hai
      Aragorn: “I bring joo teh pwn!”
      **Aragorn goes to Boromir
      Boromir: “Damn lag!”
      Warning: Connection problems detected
      Boromir has disconnected
      Aragorn: “FFS!”

      [Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat. Sam ‘sees’ him]
      Sam: “Frodo! ***! Invisibility h4x!”
      Frodo has connected to the server
      Frodo: “Sam, STFU and FOAD!”
      Sam: “Sif!”
      Frodo: “Oh, ffs n00b!”


    • #13783

      Thats not even legible????

    • #13784

      I found it to be legible and very funny, I is one of my favourite bits:

      **The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of orks
      Boromir: “FFS! Teams, foos!” [/quote:36591d9fd3]

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