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[code:1:69aa3e1d06]Donald Rumsfeld is briefing the President, "Yesterday,
three Brazilian soldiers were killed. "OH NO!" cries
the President, "…but how many is a brazillion?"
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Why did Popeye hit Moses?
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Cos he went to Mount Olive
Oldies are besties
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Yeah, old ones are best:
Whats the differance between Mary Harney and a pig….?
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…..lipstick
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LOL I know a beautician who has to wax Mary Harneys legs!!!! Sweet Jesus the thought of it is making me retch, must …..keep down ……glub……that jambon…..glub
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
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On the subject of Mary Harney, you should check this out… http://www.langerland.com/content/view/36/59/
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Good stuff
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Whats pink and hard ?
… A pig with a flick-knife
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what’s black and white and eats like a horse?
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…
…
…
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…a zebra!
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Why would’nt Rex bark?…..
…..Because he was a goldfish.
Da dum Tish! I’ll get me coat.
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Frappe, frappe
Qui est la?
Don
Don Qui?
ee-aw, ee-aw, ee-aw!
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The Irishman
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,
“It’s certainly not a ship.”
And, as the speck got closer & closer, he began to
rule out the possibilities of a small boat & even a raft. Suddenly there
emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman & said to him,“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over & unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the
left sleeve of her wet suit & pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He
takes one, lights it & takes a long drag.“Faith and begorrah,” said the man, “that is so good I’d almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!”“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Irish whiskey?” asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, “10 years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket
there & removes a flask & hands it to him. He opened the flask & tooka long drink.
“‘Tis nectar of the gods!” stated the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man
and asked,“And, how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees & sobbed,
“Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!” -
Good oldie alright… knew it, but with a Legionnaire and a camel, though (as in: can you hold the camel in place for me please? LOL :lol: )
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[code:1:034255eeff]TESTICULATING – Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS – The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM – An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see that’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO – The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato
SITCOMs – Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)[/code:1:034255eeff]
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A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the
rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to
him.He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, And
although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he
Says”
sorry do you know me?”She replies
“I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children !His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
“Christ!” he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night
that I Sha@ged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst
your mate Whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
axse”“No” she replies,
“I’m your sons’ English Teacher” -
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
“It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
“It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
“It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it.”
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
“This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.
[/quote:6eb926d1af]I love that one, for some reason :)
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LOL Good one
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